The Early Lessons That Turned Feelings Into “Problems”
Most of us grew up thinking feelings were a liability.
Many of us received this message quietly, not always in direct words, but through reactions, silence, or disapproval. Over time, we learned that the safest way to belong was to appear “strong” and “sorted,” no matter what was happening inside.
And that some emotions were “too much.”
- Crying was weakness.
- Anger was disrespect.
- Fear was overreacting.
- Needing comfort meant I wasn’t strong enough.
Maybe you heard:
- “Stop crying, or I’ll give you a reason to cry.”
- “Good girls/boys don’t get angry.”
- “Be brave, you are making a fuss over nothing.”
- “You are too sensitive; just toughen up.”
These messages did not just shape how we behaved as children. They quietly shaped how we see ourselves as adults: whether we are allowed to struggle, ask for help, or simply feel.
When Suppression Gets Mistaken for Strength
So we stuffed them. we silenced them.
And over time, that became “strength,” “maturity,” “being fine.”
But here’s the truth: the body never forgets.
We learned to present a composed face at school, at work, and at home. On the outside, we functioned. On the inside, we carried stories we never got to tell and emotions we never got to feel.
In my work—I see so many adults parenting, leading, and living from quiet emotional wounds they never got to name.
Consider:
- The leader who cannot tolerate “messy” conversations, so feedback and conflict are always rushed or avoided.
- The parent who shuts down a child’s tears because they never had space for their own.
- The high performer who keeps saying “I’m fine” while their body is screaming for rest.
These patterns are often not about the present situation alone. They are echoes of what we were once taught to do with our feelings.
The Subtle Wounds That Shape Our Everyday Reactions
Not dramatic wounds. The subtle ones that show up as:
- Snapping faster than you want
- Feeling numb instead of asking for help
- Overlooking your own overwhelm
For example:
- You come home from work and snap at your family over something small. You know it is not about them, but you do not know how to slow it down.
- A colleague asks, “Are you okay?” and you genuinely do not know what to say, because you have spent years not checking in with yourself.
- You continue taking on more responsibilities even when you feel exhausted, because you were taught that “strong people manage somehow.”
Nothing is wrong with you. Your body is just remembering what it never had permission to feel.
This is not weakness. It is your nervous system doing what it was trained to do: protect you by keeping difficult emotions out of sight.
The Science and Power of Naming Our Feelings
There’s power in noticing—and naming—what’s happening inside.
Research shows that simply naming a feeling reduces its intensity and calms the brain. When you put words to your inner experience—“I feel anxious,” “I feel hurt,” “I feel lonely”—you are no longer merged with the feeling. You begin to relate to it instead of being ruled by it.
In practical terms, this might look like:
- Saying to yourself, “I feel overwhelmed and afraid I will disappoint others,” instead of just pushing through the day in silent tension.
- Telling a colleague, “I am feeling a little defensive right now; can I have a moment to process before we continue this conversation?”
- A parent telling a child, “I am feeling stressed from work; I might be quieter today, but it is not your fault.”
These small acts of honesty create emotional space, inside us and between us.
A Simple Practice: Pause, Notice, Name
Try this: Pause. Breathe. Turn inward.
Notice tightness, heat, where your breath stops. Then ask yourself:
“What was I taught to do with my feelings growing up?”
Let it arise. No fixing, just noticing.
That’s the first step toward healing.
You can build a simple daily check-in ritual:
- Take one minute between meetings to notice: “What am I feeling right now—in my body and in my mind?”
- Write down one sentence a day: “Today I felt…” and fill in whatever word feels true.
- When you feel triggered, instead of reacting immediately, silently name your feeling: “I feel scared,” “I feel dismissed,” “I feel disappointed.”
Today, take a moment to pause and name one feeling you notice.
Small steps lead to inner clarity and freedom.
Rewriting Your Emotional Story in Everyday Life
If it feels right, share one message about emotions you grew up hearing.
I’d love to know what shaped you.
And then, gently ask yourself:
- “Do I still want this message to run my life?”
- “What new message do I want to live and model—for my team, my family, and myself?”
You might choose a new script such as:
- “Emotions are information, not weakness.”
- “It is safe for me to feel and still be strong.”
- “I can be a leader and still be human.”
When we bring these old messages into the light, we do more than heal our past. We redefine what strength looks like in boardrooms, classrooms, and living rooms. Emotional awareness is not “too much”; it is the foundation of healthy leadership, genuine connection, and meaningful impact.
Read Also : When HR “Produces Nothing”: A Response to Jennifer Sey’s Anti-HR Vision
The Fine Balance: Navigating Work, Life, and Mental Wellbeing
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